Freedom

It was on Sunday, Sunday evening. It was the only time I could squeeze out from my busy schedule to see my friends.
   So this Sunday I promised Dee a wonderful time out, mom told me she had been moody all week, probably missing me.
    Dee was brought home from school for further medical treatment, she was always in and out of the hospital.
   I spoke at length with her over the phone the previous night, asking her to make a wish of all the places she wanted to visit before my work takes me off again for the week, in response she said she wanted me to surprise her.
   I must confess, Dee is one of the most difficult persons to please. You really have to think outside the box to please her. I proposed in my heart that I would take her round the city, so she could catch a glimpse of the new changes that has happened since she left for school.
    I made reservations at one of her favorite restaurant for dinner and had a cake baked specifically for her, she had a strong affection for cakes, especially the chocolate flavored ones.

   By 4pm I drove into my parents home, all prepped up for a wonderful time with my kid sister.
   There was a crowd of people outside, scattered at strategic places, some with arms interwoven across their chest, some had hands on their head, others just stood staring into space.
   In amazement I taxied the car into the parking lot, 

What was wrong?

   I knew I was blessed with the nicest parents who sometimes threw Sunday thanksgiving dinner for acquaintance, friends and workers. But the scenario was not a merry one obviously.
    I greeted the few I could, who looked my way shaking their head. I walked into the living room, and caught a quick glimpse of the picture frame of a female figure placed on a table beside a book.
   I looked closely at it and slapped myself on the thigh, I needed to be sure I was not dreaming or I must have sleep walked into someone's home

It was Dee!

I ran into the family sitting room to meet a wailing mother surrounded by some women. I looked away from them and ran up the stairs to Dee's room, I barged in and met an empty room with a rumpled bed, I checked the bathroom, I saw drugs scattered on the floor and then I checked her wardrobe, her clothes were intact. 

   she didn't run away!

I ran down the stairs and saw my father with a couple of men discussing in the study, I walked in without courtesy, and asked of my sister
   He simply looked at me with a  sad face, he couldn't bring himself to say it
  And then an insensitive man spoke to me

    "she is dead! Just like the others, she even tried, she lived longer than the rest" 

I never knew how and when I clenched my fist and gave him punches, immediately I felt hefty hands pull me off him and away from the room
   I screamed loud like a woman in labour and couldn't stop until I was drained of very ounce of strength I had and then I passed out.

   Dee, you know that particular person who just occupy this huge space of your life that no one else does, who knows you like a manual. Whose presence has the ability to get you out of any bad mood.
   she had so much positive energy that drives you to likewise live positive
    she was more than just my sister, she was a friend and a good listener. The reason I chose to be a pediatrician.
  she was the reason why I gave my all into my work and also support research projects to help find a cure for her condition.
   she was the reason I founded a foundation that advocates against stigmatization of persons living with Sickle cell anemia, the foundation that strongly speak against marriage by genetically incompatible people.
She was the reason I broke my relationship with Laura because she was a carrier like myself.

    when I opened my eyes, a close friend; Kay, was beside me, he looked at me and told me to brace up. He knew very well how much my sister meant to me.
    He gave me a note Dee had written and kept on her reading table, it was addressed to me.
    I was too weak to read a thing, I simply slouched on the chair and stared till I passed out again with the letter in my hand.
     I didn't know how I got to the hospital. But I woke up to find myself there, they said I had been off for almost two days...
  I had a lot more strength than before, and I demanded the letter I had in hand before I slumped.
 

 "Dearest BB,
     you have been the best part of my existence in the few years I have lived. you have made me smile when I had no reason to, you have made me laugh at my reproach and taught me how to  fight to survive, but am sorry, am done fighting, I cannot continue to drag you into my pain. You have made enough sacrifices for me and I know its time for you to start living, its time for you to be you.
   It's time for you to find another passion. . . If it cost me my life to watch you from among the stars I give my life in uncountable times to watch you live your life.
                                                                                                                              It's Dee, 

   I looked at my parents and wondered, did she kill herself? or, did her health fail her? I remembered the drugs on the bathroom floor and how mom told me she had been moody since she was brought back from school on doctor's recommendation.

     I read the note again and asked, "did my D kill herself because of me?"  

  "thou we suffer, but suffer not with us. Because the life you live gives us the courage to fight every challenging time, to fight for our depreciating life. To fight to survive. To fight to have a life and a story as well."   -D

      my parents didn't want an autopsy, the result wouldn't bring her back, but I needed to know, did  I drive my sister to commit suicide? Did my care and sacrifice choke out the life in her? I needed to know.

    In the end I had my way, I had the autopsy done and I held the result in hand, I couldn't imagine the level of pain and heartache I will feel when I discover it was suicide, but it was not suicide, she didn't kill herself. The report said she died of suffocation cause by asthma attack, I knew it was not just natural, she refused to use her inhaler, which explains why the bed was rumpled, she was done fighting to survive she just let it  take her.