backstage: when reality set in

      Walking down the aisle was the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Beautiful inside-out, humble, respectful, great sense of humor, wonderful conversationist and an amazing cook.

    Words could not describe the joy that was stirred up within me. Finally, the day has come and she's all mine. Mine for ever.

   she looked at me with sparkling eyes, joy radiating from her beaming face...and this  'I chose you' sort of look on her face.

                        "... In sickness and in health..."

                               "...till death do us part..."

Those vows mehn are terrible, they haunt us no matter what. Test our commitment and will to hold firm to this truth we profess, this pledge we make.

I danced gallantly at the reception, there was no winning between us. You know when you meet this woman who makes you smile unapologetically it's only natural for you to show the world this height of euphoria you have gotten to.

  The merriment came to an end and reality set in....
       Today is reality, my reality, the marriage itself. Today I have to defend the love I so strongly profess.

                   "I can't do this" she said with teary eyes

                                       "why?"

                                    "I don't know"

              "It's legal you know, there is no sin, we are married"

                 "I know, but... I don't feel comfortable doing this"

           "What! You don't feel comfortable making love to me?"

                      "I feel like am not ready, at least not yet"

         I pulled off her and sat on the edge of the bed,

            "What the hell is going on? Seriously, what is wrong with you... It's been six months since we got married, 54 times I have tried to make love to you, but you keep shuooing me off, like I have Ebola. What do you want? Do you want me to rape you?" I snapped, laying emphasis on the last statement...

       There was silence in the room for a while, I could hear the loud noise the clock made, the night was still, calm and silent.
It was like nature understood my pain, and has paid attention to this night.

       Fadeke and I knew each other from childhood. Though we weren't close, she was a weird one, always on her own. Doesn't relate with the other kids. That kind of drew me to her. I was interested in knowing more about this girl every one called a snub and introvert.
         So I drew near and have never regretted that decision until now.
    She is very funny, sarcastic to a funny fault, her intelligence was beyond me, every moment spent with her was memorable. Every second I spend conversing with her were historic moments in eternity to me.

   The closer I drew the more open and free she became with me and others. She improved on herself and became a better person.
We had a few break in communication in our undergraduate days, I was so consumed with my academics, I rarely had time for friends, which of course I must confess was unfair because I still had time to date other girls, sadly, none clicked.

   I reconnected with Fadeke four years after graduating, at a close associates birthday party. And my, my, my, she was stunning... I couldn't get her off my mind ever since. I collected her contact and we resumed communication. I got to know she just finished serving and was offered a job at a television house. Journalism was her dream.

It was good news to me knowing she was doing so well.

     I asked her out 8 months after and we had a blast of courtship. Although, she wouldn't let me kiss her or hug her. She would fret if I touch her but I counted them as novice fear.
But tonight I believe they were signs I overlooked, allowed love to deafen me to.

    She rolled out of bed and adjusted her nighty, annoyingly she always wear seductive ones. She sat beside me. I could preserve her perfume, it was a mixture of Jasmine and mango, my mother's wedding gift to her. The scent filled my nostrils and all I wanted to do was kiss her all over, make love to her all night long and let her feel as the woman she ought to.

       " I have a phobia for sex,  I know it sounds weird but I had to see a psychologist some years back..." she confessed.

     Those words were like bombs exploding in my head. I was married to a time bomb, who has been ticking and counting down and I have pride myself a blessed and fulfilled man, who has married the woman of his dream.  His best half.

        "phobia? Seriously " I said with a little sarcasm

       She nodded and continued "...the psychologist said its called 'vaginismus' or something.  He said with time I will get over it.  It occurs differently in women. It could result from sexual abuse or rape or fear literally... from past horrible sexual experience... "

       "so what's yours? " I interjected, I was curious, how badly broken is she

      She drew near and looked into my eyes, I could see sincerity,  innocence and sadness in them.  I have never seen her being this sad.

       "I don't know,  I just get scared and emotional whenever you we try to have sex. The doctor has been putting me through some relaxation and behavioural exercises but....  I don't think its working. Though he said it will take some time" She sobbed as she spoke, I could feel her pain, her suffering, I wished I could take all, put it upon myself.

     At the same time, I was angry she didn't tell me, she made me marry her with this flaw ... This concealed flaw that I never saw.

   But I love her, I can't explain why but I do. She makes me happy, aside the intimacy I desire. I love her beyond words.
    Her laughter, sarcasm, smile, sense of style, her cooking; I must confess she's one of a kind in the kitchen and my mom can attest to that.
   But she isn't the perfect woman, I thought I married.

       "will you like me to attend this therapy sessions with you? " I asked

                   She nodded, "I will love that"

      I wiped the tears cascading down her cheeks with my thumb and kissed her,  marriage is for the best and for the worst. And we may be at our worst today but we will definitely experience the best eventually.

   I gently drew her close as she rest her head on my shoulder. The words came gently, softly and soothingly.

   "I love you no matter what Fade, and will stand by you till we eventually get over this..." I planted a kiss on her forehead. We sat that way till morning muttering silent prayers in our hearts... Asking God for one thing and one thing alone,
           
               Patience through this storm.

                                                                              JOO