Voice Out

      When I was younger I was afraid of almost everything; bugs, insects, maggots, dogs... And darkness, especially darkness. I was sore afraid of what was hiding beyond the thick blackness of the night waiting to take me away or eat me up... Lol

    With time I stopped being afraid(as I grew). I found the use of light quite effective. I had more worries, bigger fear than darkness.  Fears that darkness can't stand. The fear of my voice.  The fear of being heard. Just saying something, anything was scary enough.

    For years the battle raged,  I was afraid to speak, I avoided been called on to say something,  to deliver a short note or lecture, afraid to head a group or lead a team. It was always a burden when am called on to speak,

                  "why should I be the one to speak?" 
  
                       "someone else should."

    I make excuses and evade the responsibility

   So I remained silent,  even in the midst of strong opposition, even when I had a strong defense...  People defending my course and actions I couldn't find my voice,  she was gone,  run off when I needed her(it)
Silence was my solace, my comfort.  She didn't judge me or admonish me,  she just sits there Silent. 

     But for how long will I remain silent,  for how long will I keep mute. If I keep mute for long I will eventually lose the ability to talk.

   The world will trample me down,  the voice of the crowd will overshadow mine. I will be lost in the crowd,  taken for granted, disposed of valuables,  thrown to the back seat of life where I will never be seen or heard.
But fear overwhelmed me each time I try to speak.  "what will I say?"

       And after several months of preparation and practice I proposed in my heart that I will speak today. I will speak at school. I will tell them;  I am contesting for student government president. Declare my intentions to get involved in campus politics. That's a good way to start. After my declaration, I will pick the form.

     I will wear my best smile, I will laugh and joke and not be so uptight.  I will speak today.  I want my voice heard.

    I wore my best clothing,  a navyblue pleated skirt to hide my thin figure with a white button-down shirt all tucked in. I wore ballet flats,  I always wear flats.

    Wore my natural rich black hair in a bun, my nerd glasses and had the lightest make up on.  I was impressed with my first steps.
I got a bus to school,  I was an early bird,  I stuffed my notes in my locker,  surveyed the school. "I will use the podium in the cafeteria during lunch. That was a perfect place to speak.  Tell them my intention let them know am not mute after all,  though a lot weird" I thought.

  I couldn't wait to get through the first two periods,  I kept checking the time,  rehearsing my lines by heart. Sometimes moving my lips and counting my fingers to ensure I followed the points exactly, precisely.

At last the bell rang, lunch time!

I waited for everyone to leave the class,  I adjusted my clothes and walked slowly to the cafeteria,  all I needed was 5minutes of their time.  "If I conquer this fear I conquer all.  If I don't I will never speak again, forever" I thought.

The room was full. Students in groups were  either eating, chatting or playing video games.

               "this is a bad idea" I whispered

     The room was too noisy, how will I get them to quiet down, to listen, pay attention.

     I remembered the last time someone went up that podium he got booed off the stage.  He ran to the bathroom crying like a child and he was the topic of discussion for many weeks. 

"I will definitely get booed off,  why can't I just forget about this stupid idea"

   I looked at the time I had 10minutes before the bell got ringing again.
It's now or never

   I walked to the podium,  the microphone was on and loud.  It made a noise that turned a few heads in my direction. I saw hands tapping others,  alerting them to the podium and peacefully the room was quieting out and everyone was paying rapt attention.

    They looked eager to hear what I had to say like they have been waiting for this day to come.
As the room quiet down,  I could hear my heart beating,  racing,  it was going to tear out of my chest,  the clock became audible. They all had their eyes fixed on me.

   "what will I say?" I couldn't remember my lines,  I couldn't remember why I had decided on this.  I was blank.

      I heard a few laugh from the end of the room towards the exit,  they were pointing at me in mockery,  my eyes started to water.  I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.  I thought of one thing, a light.  No matter how little or small the beam is, it can clear away darkness.  I imagined myself as a light and I had to shine to clear away this darkness that has overwhelmed me for years.

      "Hi everyone!  My name.... " I finally spoke,  gently and softly.  I was done in 3 minutes and walked off the podium straight to the exit door.  I was surely going to cry,  the water was already forming in my eyes.   Just as I turned the knob,  I halted.  There was a clap and then claps and more claps and cheers. I turned, they were coming to me,  some shaking my hands,  hugging me,  some shaking their heads,  some tapping my shoulder.

                    "that was a good one" I heard

                      "the best we've heard in years"

                            "you sure will rep us well"

          From that day,  I found my voice,  though I didn't win the election but I won a bigger battle, I conquered my fear.  I found my voice.

     Maybe you're out there and you feel you've lost your voice,  trust me you haven't. The stage is set and all we long for is your voice... Voice out,  speak up,  speak for yourself,  speak for your loved ones,  speak for your country,  speak for what you believe in.   

      Speak so the voiceless will speak. Speak for the sake of the dumb,  they are counting on your voice. Speak out let the world know you have a voice!
                                                                                       
                                                                                     JOO